*** COWBOY BALLS -- EPISODE GUIDE ***   

My ratings are entirely subjective and completely correct. Guest cast and director credits have been reconstructed from memory, partial VHS recordings, and one very helpful letter from a man in Fresno who claims to have worked on the show. I cannot verify this but I choose to believe him.

SEASONS 1-4: THE GOLDEN YEARS (1958-1962)

This is the good stuff. Start here. Stay here. Do not let anyone tell you Season 5 is "underrated."

Frank Ball and Mitch Mitcherson -- the dynamic duo of Ball Ranch. Season 2 promo shot.

"The Drifter's Arrival" (Season 1, Episode 1)
Mitch Mitcherson rides into Ball Ranch with a mysterious past and a Shakespearean accent. The show immediately becomes about 40% more interesting. Hank Thompson's Frank Ball watches this stranger arrive with barely concealed suspicion, and the tension between them sets the tone for the entire series. A stellar premiere. ★★★★★

"Fence Lines" (Season 1, Episode 4)
A neighboring rancher disputes the Ball Ranch's eastern boundary. Frank Ball handles it with dignity. Mitch handles it differently. Both approaches work, which is the whole point of the show really. ★★★★☆

"Stinky's Debt" (Season 1, Episode 7)
Stinky Ball's past catches up with him in the form of two men from Tucson. The first episode to hint that there may be more to Stinky than comic relief. Still mostly comic relief though. ★★★☆☆

"Ricky and the Stranger" (Season 1, Episode 9)
Young Ricky Ball befriends a drifter who may not be what he seems. Touching. Predictable. Still good. ★★★☆☆

"Abigail's Choice" (Season 2, Episode 3)
Abigail asserts her independence in a male-dominated society and does not apologize for it once. Barbara St. Suzanne is magnificent. One of the finest episodes of the entire series -- honestly one of the finest episodes of 1950s television, period. If you only watch one episode of Cowboy Balls, make it this one. ★★★★★

"The Denton Brothers" (Season 2, Episode 5)
The Denton Brothers -- recurring antagonists of Ball Ranch. The one on the right is holding something that has never been officially identified. Introduction of the Denton Brothers, who will go on to be recurring antagonists for the rest of the series. They are genuinely menacing in a way that Season 5's aliens never managed to be. The object in the right brother's hand is never explained in this episode or any subsequent episode. Several fan theories exist. None are satisfying. ★★★★☆

"Mitch's Past" (Season 2, Episode 8)
The show gestures toward Mitch Mitcherson's mysterious backstory without fully committing to it, which is somehow more effective than if it had explained everything. Rod McHarris is exceptional throughout. ★★★★★

"The Cattle Drive" (Season 3, Episode 2)
High stakes, gorgeous location photography, and a third act that will have you on the edge of your seat. The kind of episode you would tape over something important to keep. Frank Ball does something in the final scene that Hank Thompson reportedly insisted on playing silently, without dialogue, against the wishes of the network. He was right. ★★★★★

"Night Riders" (Season 3, Episode 6)
A night-set episode that the show's cinematographer apparently fought very hard to keep dark. You can barely see anything in some scenes. This is correct. It is better for it. ★★★★☆

"Abigail and the Law" (Season 4, Episode 1)
Abigail challenges a local ordinance that she correctly identifies as unjust. She wins. The town is uncomfortable about this. The show is not. ★★★★★

"The Last Denton" (Season 4, Episode 11)
Resolution of the Denton Brothers storyline. One of them has a change of heart. The other does not. The object is still not explained. ★★★★☆

"Home" (Season 4, Episode 13) -- SEASON FINALE
The final episode before everything went wrong. A quiet, reflective hour. Frank Ball sits on his porch and looks at the ranch he built. Mitch Mitcherson looks like he might stay. The show feels like it knows what it is and is comfortable with that. Savor it. ★★★★★

SEASON 5: THE DARK TIMES (1962-1963)

I'm including Season 5 for the sake of completeness. And because some of you are masochists. You know who you are. What you need to understand going in is that by this point Willie Munbrayne had left, half the writers had quit, and H.W. von Feenery was running things alone. The alien visit was not even the strangest thing that happened.

"New Beginnings" (Season 5, Episode 1)
Fine, actually. Raises hopes that Season 5 might be okay. This is a trick. ★★★☆☆

"Something in the Water" (Season 5, Episode 2)
The Ball Ranch water supply does something strange. What exactly is never clarified. Hank Thompson looks like a man who has seen the scripts for the rest of the season and is processing this information. ★★☆☆☆

"The Beast of Ball Ranch" (Season 5, Episode 3)
Ricky Ball fights a gorilla. This is not a dream sequence. The gorilla is not explained. H.W. von Feenery thought this was a good idea. ★☆☆☆☆

"The Alien Visit" (Season 5, Episode 4)
Behind the scenes of "The Alien Visit." H.W. von Feenery thought this was fine. It was not fine. Extraterrestrials land on Ball Ranch. I cannot stress enough that this is a Western set in the 1870s. There is no satisfying explanation offered. The aliens are never mentioned again. The behind-the-scenes photo tells you everything you need to know about the atmosphere on set during this episode. ★☆☆☆☆

"The Time Traveler" (Season 5, Episode 5)
A man from the future appears. He seems as confused about being there as the audience is about watching it. ★☆☆☆☆

"Stinky's Big Run" (Season 5, Episode 7)

Jedediah "Stinky" Ball runs the full length of the main street in nothing but a barrel and a hat.

NOTE: Henry "Hank" Thompson was reportedly very vocal about his dissatisfaction with Season 5. He was right to be. The man has integrity.